'Difficult' can imply a depth of feeling so deep as to be complicated and intense beyond words. Bear this in mind as I share the following.

I haven't shared anything for awhile, nor will I be able to share everything, because of this difficult time dealing with my father's cancer.


November, so far, has been another month of ups and downs. I shall begin with an 'up'.

Stephen and I went to the Greater Victoria Film Commission Industry Mixer on November 10, 2010. Before we left from work at the seniors' facility at 8pm, some of our co-workers insisted on taking photos of our get-up. At the Mixer Party, I saw a number of people I knew there; some were too busy talking up a storm with others. There are so many people in Victoria and on the Island in general who are in the Film Industry: Brian Paisley (Screenwriter/Teacher), Kathleen Gilbert (Film Commissioner/Location Manager), Fabiola (GVFC Web/Location Scout), Krista Loughton (Actress/Cinevic), Susan Jones (GVFC Board of Directors), Michael Reid (Film Critic), etc. I had never seen, nor tasted so many dips at one time before. The party? A bit overwhelming, but fun. :-)


Next is a 'down'.

On Tuesday, November 16, Mum and Dad arrived late at the Victoria Bus Depot. I took them immediately to the BC Cancer Agency for their appointment with the cancer specialists. I had wanted to have a bit of coffee with them but because the bus arrived late from Nanaimo, it wasn't to be. Dad appeared to have aged since I last saw him during Thanksgiving. When I dropped them off in front of the Cancer Agency, it was then that I noticed Dad could barely walk even with his cane. These two things seared me emotionally.


By the time, I arrived at work, in tears I told everything to Stephen. He was sorry I didn't have time for a coffee with them.

Later, while at work, Stephen received a phonecall from my parents. They wished for Stephen to pick them up and not a taxi. Stephen told them, he would when he finished work which was in 25 minutes time. They agreed to wait.

Stephen took them to our little home and showed them around. They had a bite to eat and Stephen then left for his evening art class.

After I finished work at 8 pm, I picked up my parents from our place, then picked up Stephen from his class which always finishes at 8:30 pm. I drove them all to the Pennyfarthing Pub in Oak Bay where we had a very late, delicious meal.

We shared much and Dad quietly admitted he is scared. Mum is coping well and appears to be doing better than I. (I love my Dad, but I could never be close to him for sanity's sake.)

The specialists said they cannot do chemo on Dad because it would kill him; he is too weak and the cancer is in both lungs. They don't advise radiation either, not until the largest nodule which is already beginning to push his windpipe, is definitely hindering his breathing -- in other words, when the end is in sight. That is the best they can do.

Mum told me that the brain scan AND bone scan revealed that everything was CLEAR! Go figure. Why did the doctors say they believed the source of his cancer was from the brain? A mystery.

Lastly, they said his cancer is so uncommon, they don't know if he has four weeks to live or 2 years. Needless to say, this information makes emotions topsy-turvy and difficult to deal with.

What got us worried was that Dad's legs almost gave out on two occasions when walking back to the car, and during another incident, he complained about a terrible pain in his hip. I told Mum to make sure she informs their family Doctor when they return to Nanaimo.

The following day, after Stephen dropped me off work at 12 noon, he drove them back home to Nanaimo -- a one and a half hours drive. They insisted he stay for a bite to eat before driving back to Victoria. Both were very grateful for all we had done for them and apologized for infringing on our time. Stephen reassured them that they weren't and that they need to ask when they do require help, which they need to do perhaps a little more often especially now since Dad is not well.

This is all I'm able share right now.

By the end of September, my mother called from Nanaimo to read the Vancouver experts' results of my father's biopsy. He has a rare form of Bronchial Cancer, not due to smoking - non-mucinous adenocarcinoma. It's believed to have started in the brain. Dad is to have a brain scan on October 22nd and a bone scan on November 2nd. There is the possibility of his being palliative in several weeks' time.

Stephen took it upon himself to call everyone on his side of the family and cancel the planned Thanksgiving Dinner at our house. "We're taking the turkey to Nanaimo for Thanksgiving. It may be your father's last," he said.

On Sunday, October 10th, Stephen and I dropped off our budgie with his mother to look after for the weekend. We then picked up the ordered 12lb hormone-free/farm fed turkey from Mattick's Farm and drove - with our two cuddly cats - to Nanaimo for the two nights' stay.

Stephen and I helped Mum make the double crust apple crumble that Sunday. On Monday, we stuffed, cooked and ate the turkey.

Our weekend was not altogether without tension, however it proved to be one of the quietest and gentlest Thanksgivings. Given that I do love my father, I could never be close to him for sanity's sake.

On another note, the October edition of BC Christian News had a nice article about Congregation Emanu-El's arts gala showing. The freelance writer, Steve Weatherbe, quoted me several times in the write-up. One line is not exactly accurate. "That's journalism. It's to make the piece more interesting," said an RN-friend who insisted on posting the newspaper article on the 1st Floor board. She even put little stars beside my name and wherever I was quoted!

To the left is a photo of one watercolour painting during progress. It was one of several eventually finished for that arts gala. All the artwork, by all the artists who participated, were spiritual and/or inspirational.

Also, some of the senior residents at the facility overheard that 4 of my photos came 2nd place in the Saanich Fair. They asked if I could bring them in to show during a Social Hour. I kept my promise - after I framed the 4 photos with the 2nd Place red ribbon - this past Saturday much to their delight. So, I proved a bit of a celebrity amongst staff and residents for this month.

On the whole, I've been deeply reflective for the past few weeks: my sister's refusal of any contact with any family member, my father's alcoholism and his terminal cancer, my rigid and abusive upbringing, my love of life and my creativity amongst other things. I'm very thankful for Stephen's supportive listening. He and I have shared much of our similar pasts concerning our parents and childhoods over coffee, small outings and walks.

Frankly, at times, I feel quite lost without my hearing aids.:-) However with all the activity, work and chores I do, it is a relief to take them out at the end of the day. It's so nice to aeriate one's ears and to enjoy the quiet. I wonder how normal hearing people can ever meditate with all the noise in the real world! Sometimes when I go out with my husband, Stephen, I wear only one hearing aid because I'm used to his voice and I'm used to lip-reading him.

My supervisor, C.H., is desperate to get out of Sunset Lodge and into a full-time military position on the mainland some time in October/November. She and other Activity Aides want me to replace her because I'm "organized and have more than the required education." Last week, C.H. asked me if I knew the software program Excel. I replied that I used Excel when I worked for the provincial government 15 years ago, but that I have no up-to-date experience. She said that would not be a problem and that she would show me on her computer some time soon. C.H. also told me to be very aware that E.B. - my old nemesis - and Salvation Army Major L.J. "are close like glue". Apparently, C.H. has been "having tiffs" with the two. Thus I began to realize why she wants to get out, and why she (and others) want me to replace her. A few fellow workers believe I'll have more clout. (Really?) Right now, I'm hesitant. Is change good?

I interviewed a Production Designer and Set Decorator on September 19th for the Greater Victoria Film Commission online newsletter. I know at least one of the three interviews I've completed will be in their upcoming newsletter in October. (It will be their first in several years!)

The Film Commissioner, K.G., hopes to organize a Film Industry Mixer Gala some time in October or November of this year and she wants me to be the official photographer. K.G. is also aware I want to be a Location Scout trainee and/or Set Designer trainee. And she is a Location Manager in the Film Industry!

My father's health is going down. The doctors sent the results of the biopsy done on Dad's lungs to experts in Vancouver because they want a second opinion. They don't know whether to deal with his cancer in both lungs by radiation, chemo, or both.

Last Monday, my husband, Stephen, and I went to visit my parents in Nanaimo, after we visited a writer-friend, G.C., who has terminal cancer. Yes, she is one of the members of our writers' group 'The Crones' Cauldron'. All of us find this emotionally difficult, but we are persevering and our next meeting is a potluck on October 4th at her place.

A few months ago, I discovered that my sister, Edith was still alive and volunteers in the kichen at the First Metropolitan United Church. She is now off the "missing" list. Stephen and I dropped by the reception area of the church on Sunday, September 19th. I handed a gift bag to a pleasantly plump woman who works in the kitchen with Edith. The gift bag contained a knitted green scarf that I made and a handmade notecard (with photos of immediate family included) very briefly updating her on the family, plus my phone number should she wish to meet me over tea/coffee at a coffee shop. My sister, Edith, has no fixed address and is under the protective arm of that church. I received a phone call at 9PM, Thursday, September 23rd from Reverend Gordon who said that my sister does not want any contact with any family member in any way whatsoever. I immediately contacted my Mum in Nanaimo and told her, and she promised to pass on the message to my Dad.

My husband, Stephen, heard my end of the conversations while I spoke with both the Reverend and my Mum. I was so glad he was there through all that because I was able to cry on his shoulder afterwards. How tragic it is that Edith is unable to let go of the horrific childhood we both endured. I chose to forgive, let go and live my life, whereas she is still not able to do so even after all this time.

My life is full of ups and downs right now. Yes, death is part of the life cycle. Since I'm very much in the world of the living, my life has taken wings in the arts, from watercolour painting to photography to writing to the film industry. I live for myself and say "Farewell" to those who are slowly leaving this world for the next. Death and creation - the contrast is extreme and has a very jagged, cutting edge.

Various friends in the nursing field and the Activity department have teasingly asked me, "Nicole, will you still be talking to us when you become rich and famous?" My answer is always the same: "I don't see myself becoming rich and famous. Popular, yes, but not rich and famous. And of course, I'll still be talking to you." Hence I visit my writer-friend who is dying from cancer, and I continue to see friends and other family members over cups of tea.

I took the Weekend Screenwriting Blitz through the Greater Victoria Film Commission in late August. I'm naturally an intuitive writer and learned the nitty-gritty structured way of screenwriting. Very difficult. However I believe that structured writing will make my intuitive writing that much better. :-)

Last week I visited G.C., a member of our Crones' Cauldron writers' group, who is in Hospice with terminal cancer. She's in her 60's. I cannot express the depth of emotional pain I feel when seeing my writer-friend this way. I survived my bout of uterine cancer in 2007 which retreated naturally due to a genetic factor believed inherited from my Scottish grandmother. (She had bowel cancer and in between two surgeries for it, the doctors were shocked to find it had disappeared naturally.) If I could give G.C. my genes to combat her cancer, I would. I endeavor to visit G.C. again next week.

I've interviewed two amazing film industry people for the Greater Victoria Film Commission, plus I've another, a Production Designer/Set Designer, to interview on September 19th. The Film Commissioner, K.G., hopes to organize a Film Industry Mixer Gala some time in October or November of this year and she wants me to be the official photographer.

Recently, I won 2nd Prize in the Saanich Fair Photography Contest in the 'Spirit of the Fair' Category (4 PRINTS). One photo was of a horse with his ribbons just outside his stall, the second was of a llama wearing a halter with mounds of hay in the background, the third was of yellow squash, and the last was of three bright, coloured carousel horses.

Stephen also entered a lovely water colour of pink roses in the Saanich Fair Art Show/Contest. There was stiff competition as he competed with real, long-time professionals. Personally, I believe he did well and perhaps came in 5th out of 25 to 30 artists, but unfortunately there isn't a 5th Prize.

On September 2nd, the Beth Immanu-El Community had an Arts Gala at their Wings of Peace Gallery to raise funds for the restoration of the oldest synagogue in Canada. I donated 3 water colour paintings ('Wooden Angel', 'The Door' & 'Dark Angel') and was a guest speaker also for the event.

Today, I saw a want-ad, a full-time photographer position working for Lifetouch. $12 an hour plus bonus. The wage doesn't pay the mortgage. Perhaps when the mortgage is paid and I retire from the Activity Aide position I'm in -- wishful thinking.

Life is good.

My nemesis, E.B., gave me a nasty, baiting remark last week, but I was able to gently turn her verbal knife away with the truth - "My sister was taller and heavier than me, and she was very protective of me because she knew I couldn't hear." E.B. is slowing down in her attacks lately. Plus she has been given a couple of warnings from the head honchos for not coming to work on the weekends, thus forcing me to work alone on those days. At least this time, they are finally monitoring her and realizing that every year she's been using too much sick time on weekends.

Connected to my film industry quests is that my computer was attacked by the Anti-virus Virus, less than one day after I had submitted my film industry resume to a production company looking for a part-time Production Assistant. I knew I could've filled in my full-time position at Sunset Lodge. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get to a computer until I got to work on Tuesday. I logged onto Shaw Webmail and discovered that the same day I brought my computer into the shop was the same day the film company wanted to see me on Monday AM! Too late - however I still emailed the Producer, explaining the situation. She wrote back the following day, saying the position was already filled, but she wanted to see samples of my writing and that snail mail was fine, since my computer was still in the shop. Naturally, I was devastated. (And now $400 poorer due to the repairs!) Stephen tried hard to comfort me, but everything nasty does have a silver lining. The producer was impressed with my resume and the fact that I have published writings. She did ask for samples of my writing and I have sent those. It's now wait and see.

I'm taking a weekend Screenwriting Blitz course at the end of this month through the Greater Victoria Film Commission, which is undergoing a move. I found out that the new head of that organization is my former teacher, K.G., for my BC Professionals Film Industry Certificate. I've already arranged a meeting to see her and F. tomorrow at 9:30 am for a possible volunteer position.

After that disappointing 'miss' while my computer got 'bugged', I figure it's better than sitting on my butt moping and doing nothing. I'm better off continuing my ambition to improve myself in any way possible.

Where do I begin? Let me look at the calendar....

On Thursday, July 22, I went to the audiologist, S.F., where I finally was fitted with my two new hearing aids. I had been with only one hearing aid for more than 9 years, and that remaining hearing aid was 11 years old and DYING. Had I gotten my full-time position that was rightfully mine 3.5 years ago (a long Human Rights battle), I wouldn't have been in such a desperate situation. A emotional scenario for me. I paid for one hearing aid in full - $2,500 altogether. The other will be paid through the program from Island Deaf and Hard of Hearing ($1,500) and my pathetic work benefits package (a mere $600). S.F. and the job counsellor T.B. at IDHH fought for me in getting my full-time position at the seniors' lodge. At the end of the session, I hugged my audiologist, thanking her. She blurted: "Oh, Nicole. You're such a sweet girl."

There are so many scams by unregistered, unlicensed audiologists for cheap hearing devices that cost between $50 to $150, or they bilk people with scams that say: 'Pay only 25% and we will pay 75%'. Whoa! What's the catch? The device lasts how long? Three months. One year at the most. And yes, the cheap device is NOT calibrated for the individual's hearing loss.

The crime is in the expense of manufacturing the real hearing aids - and the audiologists have no other choice but to charge the customers. It's sickening.

Right now, I'm happy. And I can't believe how far technology has progressed in the past 11 years. My hearing aids operate on computer chips and were calibrated by my audiologist's computer for my hearing loss (different in each ear). Technology has advanced so much that it now enables me to hear the differences between s, sh, ch, and z sounds. I broke down into tears when I drove to work while listening to the car radio because I COULD HEAR AND UNDERSTAND THE MAJORITY OF THE WORDS TO A SONG that was being played - not just the beat. THE ACTUAL WORDS - not just the vowel sounds and guess what is being said/sung. (Yes, I had to pull over to the side of the road and get ahold of myself.) For once, I can sing praises of technology.

However, it's still a noisy world out there! I'm still in the process of getting used to wearing BOTH hearing aids. So, how in God's name do normal hearing people meditate? O_O!?

On Friday, July 23, Stephen drove me to my 'Jackhammer' film shoot on Empire Street for 6pm. I was asked to bring two costumes which I did. I was one of several women dressed for an Engagement Staggette Party and also, for a Birthday Party. Hence the two different costumes. And I had to submit to the make-up artist to plaster guck on my face. For someone like me who does NOT wear make-up it was torture. However I felt sorry for one of the principle actors who portrayed a male stripper in the movie. He had to have his legs and buttocks waxed, but when it came to his chest, he requested a shave and the make-up artist covered the stubble with foundation.

The 'lights, camera, action' experience was fun and I learned how film cameras had advanced over the years as well. Computer chips have come a long, versatile way making cameras much lighter and sleeker. ;-)

While I was at work the following day, Stephen picked up his daughter Sarah from the airport. She is staying with us until August 2. She's such a bright, plucky, young lady.

We took the Clipper to Seattle on the 25th. I will let the photos speak for our enjoyable, fascinating, non-stop trip: U.S. submarine on the way to Seattle, the Underground Tour, Pioneer Square, the Bus Tour, Pike Place/Fishermen's Market, Seattle Aquarium, the Space Needle, the Glassworks, etc. There was so much to absorb, so many places to explore, so much to do on a two night/three day stay. Too bad the Seattle Art Museum was closed on Monday and Tuesday. Another time.

We returned to Victoria by Clipper on July 27th. This time the wind and waves were against us, and therefore we had a very bouncey ride. Quite frankly, I thought it fun. (However, a lady across from us was a little seasick and managed gainfully not to throw-up.) Sarah got both her Dad and me involved in two games of "Life" on her iPod. And we got through customs without too much ado.

The following day, July 28, Stephen had to go to the clinic and then the specialist. Later, I went for another shoot for another independent film, "The Red Umbrella". The director/producer, F.G., wasn't able to get the drinks nor the food financed for any of the actors at the Irish Times Pub, but that was fine for those of us who participated in the shoot. Since there are strict regulations about alcohol in filmmaking, I had water with a lemon wedge (ta-dah!), a small salad with grilled salmon and a coffee afterwards. After the shoot, the director/producer approached me and asked if I would be willing to be in her future production. "Of course, I would," I replied. Another good experience and another credit to my film industry resume. :-)

On July 29, Sarah went on a sleepover at friend's place. This left Stephen to drive me and a fellow poet, D.S., to do a poetry reading for 6pm at Fresh Cup Cafe in Sidney. In between a very good musician's performance, I read 2 poems and D.S. read 3 poems in our efforts to promote our anthology of poems: "100 Spells from the Crones Cauldron". We did well. After our readings, Stephen met up with us, and we wandered through the Sidney Market for a bit before heading home.

On the morning after, I received an email from B.J., a librarian & owner of the Overleaf Cafe-Bookshop. She encouraged me to enter 1-3 poems in the "Rock of Pages" Poetry Contest. That day was originally the deadline, but she said it had been extended to August 3rd. I decided to pick 3 poems right there and then. I accepted Stephen's offer to drive me to the Fairfield Community Hall to submit them.

On Saturday, July 31, FINALLY I was able to add 10 more pages to my 2nd screenplay! Later in the evening, Stephen took me and Sarah to the Buchardt Gardens Fireworks Spectacular.

What a nice way to end those 10 busy days! I look back and I cannot believe what was accomplished. *Whew!*

This morning I just answered a call for documentary actresses for a film about Breast Cancer. The contract pay is a pittance, but I figure that anything to boost up my film industry portfolio is good. I emailed a published poem to them for extra measure, however I don't know whether it'll get me that much further through their door. Now I have to wait and see.

THE DISEASED ORGAN
by Nicole Faucher


a heart is never still in darkness to those
who listen to organs whisper worries
my body tries to tell me by years' weight gain
for no (known) reason
yet the doctors find nothing

hiatal hernia hounds with bile bloats and regurgitation
only during moon cycles
and the doctors find nothing

intuition nags but the doctors find nothing until --
an unearthly thing presses my nerves
I limp into fire

two words
uterine cancer

my womb genetically betrayed me
a growth inaudibly mouths:
"I killed your grandmother,
your great grandmother
and your father's aunt.
Now I am your slow silent killer and you are my last."

I answer, I know you and
you will not take me


~~~~~~~

Today proved to be one of burning off extra energy and one of reflections. This past month, so far, has tested me to make time for my screenplay writing, going to my first screenplay writing group (Round Table), poetry reading in various cafes, going to the regular writers' group (Crones' Cauldron), being accepted in at least two indie films as a background actress, setting up my profile on the GVFC Crew Community board, being accepted for a photo shoot, gardening, emailing a couple of paragraphs to A.W. in preparation for the Calling All Artists Gala in early September, watercolour painting, oil painting, sending my 1st screenplay for registraion with the Writers Guild of Canada, etc. This is on top of my full-time job at Sunset Lodge as an Activity Aide for seniors.

I have been flowing in creativity like a tap on full blast. This past year, something inside slowly turned on and now it's running and I cannot stop it.

I phoned D.S. to meet her downtown for a walk-about. When we met, I had just put on a couple of band-aids on my blistered feet. Her life is the "same old routine" which is unfortunate as she's been reduced to living on welfare for the past two months. Plus she's been recently diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome. I always knew she was odd and clumsy, but also as being bright and having a good hearted soul. She hasn't told her mother yet, nor does she believe she will ever do so. She told one of her daughters who she believes has it. So much for D.S. who was diagnosed having learning disabilities when a child.

We enjoyed vegetarian falafels at a Lebanese cafe on Fort St. before we went browsing through books at Russell's. We reminisced about yesterday's Poetry Reading at Overleaf Cafe-Bookshop. She thanked me for the treat out.

Doors now seem to be closing for my friend and are redirecting her in another direction. Where? We don't know.

And doors are opening for me in a new field - the film industry.